Reflections..

When I was younger, I have always thought that I am a kids lover, those kind who really love kids (whether their own or not) to bits. You see, my personality is of the milder temperament, and with a great deal of patience. I was in Girl Guides (think of community work, campfires, singing songs, doing good deeds etc), and had a short stint as a relief teacher. Even when playing those silly horoscope games, I am always 'most suited' to be a childcare teacher, social worker, counsellor etc. If I were to look into a crystal ball then, I should be seeing a kind and patient mother, perhaps doing some part-time work in a nursery / childcare for the sake of her children, very adept with babies and children, always smiling and patiently teaching them....

Fast forward to today, I am now a mother of 2 (and I hope to stop here!), tired out by an active, temperamental 2.5 year old and a 4 month old infant. I cant seem to work out my time and love between the 2, and my schedule is often in a mess. My patience has been tested countless times, and I find myself screaming at my elder daughter at least once a day, mainly over mealtimes and when she throws tantrums (which is quite often). I fluctuate between the patient mother and an evil stepmother when that patience limit has been breached. I have frequent mood swings that sometimes will spiral into some kind of 'blues' (not depression yet, thankfully). I sometimes am guilty of wishing I was back at the good old childless days.

Having said the above, dont get me wrong, I love my children and enjoy being with them as can be seen in my previous postings. I love it when they rely on me on the smallest things which means I am a world to them. I love it when we say silly things, play silly games together etc. But the reality is that child rearing is an extremely demanding and energy-sapping affair. And 2 is really more than enough for me for now, thank you very much..